Feels like

A poem!

Feels like I’m missing a step

When I watch the couple onscreen

Start laughing in the middle of their sex scene

I’ve been watching pornography

That gets meaner and meaner

Like I’m still lonely and fifteen

Because if it’s tender then I don’t wanna see it

If it’s tender then it’s not meant for me

It’s been a decade of trying

And it hasn’t happened yet

So it’s not meant to be and it feels like

I’m missing a rib or a valve of my heart

It feels like I’m first past the finish line

Then it loops right back to the start

And I’m bored and I’m tired, I’m young and I’m wired

I’m a thousand years old and I keep getting fired

I don’t wanna do this anymore

If it’s not you then who am I waiting for, who am I pretty for

Cos it feels like missing a stair

Looking in the mirror and fixing my hair

The same way I always do for first dates

Yeah I’ll start with a high ponytail then midway through

If I actually enjoy talking to you

Then I pull my hair loose all casual and now you’re thinking of how

I’d look in your bedroom in your sheets

With my hair and the rest of myself tousled

But I’m stuck at the bar and he thinks I look like a star

But he said he’s a director when what he meant was commercial PR

So I excuse myself and tie my hair back

I’m crawling out the bathroom window away from this hell

And it feels like I’m missing an earring or all the blood in my heart

It feels like I’m first past the finish line

Then it loops right back to the start and I’m bored and I’m tired

I’m young and I’m wired

I’m a thousand years old and I keep getting fired

I don’t wanna do this anymore

If it’s not you then who am I waiting for, who am I training for

Cos it feels like walking on air again. It feels like it’s 2010

When I was practicing kissing on my left hand

And holding my own waist with the other

Because I went and asked my best friend’s brunette older brother

To the Sadie Hawkins dance

And of course I had this whole plan

I’d be in the blue dress that felt like silk but obviously was polyester

And he’s got green eyes and he’s all mine and we’re dancing to the greatest hits

Of 1999 in our decrepit public school gymnasium

And he’s gonna kiss me and be like Wow this is crazy um

I know we’re barely 15 but when high school’s done

Do you wanna run away with me because you kiss so good

And you smell so nice and your hair’s up now

But I wanna see it untied, I want you every way that you’ve ever dreamed of

And I would say wow Garrett. That’s incredible. I definitely never thought of

All that

Anyway Garrett is named Beverly now and I have a cat

And it feels like I’m missing something vital like the thing I called my heart

It feels like I’m first past the finish line then it loops right back to the start

And I’m bored and I’m tired, I’m young and I’m wired

I’m a thousand years old and I keep getting fired

When Garrett dumped me because her mom was annoyed

At how much we were kissing, she gave me a necklace

As some kind of weird apology so I didn’t understand for like an hour

What was happening because why would you give

Someone a gift when you were breaking up with them

In a fucking pizzeria goddamn so I went home and I got a jar

For the necklace and the gooey bits of my heart

And I wrote her name and crossed it out and buried it all in the backyard

And covered it with black black earth and there it stays

And there it hurts because I don’t want to pick myself up anymore

I don’t wanna do this anymore

If it’s not you then who am I waiting for

What was all of that for