SNL

Gallows humour! This is a song, it’s meant to be funny, please don’t call DMHS on me again.

Coming to you live one more time from the secondhand couch of my childhood home and the dry feeling in my mouth! Check the news and I skip the obituaries; I can’t believe right now that I’ll ever really die since I’m already too numb to appreciate being alive. I mean even if I felt something, is there anything around worth feeling— And it’s like the vampires said— I don’t wanna live like this but I don’t want to die! Then I read the old forums again. God I wish the world contained than 3 solid guys

Even though I’m peaceful at home, I can’t quite get my heart to stop racing! Gotta get blood drawn again, it’d be so dumb if I had a stroke after everything! So mum and I watch old live shows of Taylor and she keeps glancing at me and swearing it gets better! Sure she’s had so many bad boyfriends but now she’s happier than ever! All I need’s a date and a job, I’m already pretty and clever but when she asks what I’m doing tomorrow or even how I’m feeling, I can’t respond in any other way except wordless crying because if I answered honestly we’d have to go back to the hospital. I’m so hurt that this is how I’m living

When I tell her about my life, she gets scared. When I tell her what I want, she gets worried. When I say what I really need, she’s so concerned for me but talking this way doesn’t help the situation. I’m wasting time reassuring her, but it’s nothing less than what she deserves

Dad said I wasn’t allowed to date seriously until I was 28 anyway after graduate school and even then he’s want to meet them in the first place. He’d done it before when I was younger but I was too mad to understand what it meant when he stared down his nose at the guys across the table, said he wasn’t afraid to go back to Pen

When I tell him about my life, he gets scared. When I tell him what I want, he gets worried. When I say what I need, he’s so concerned for me but talking like this doesn’t help the situation. I’m wasting time reassuring him. It’s half his fault but I can’t tell him

If I spend another night of my 20s fixing the TV then I’ll lose my mind again. I think I’m still a feminist but I know that I’m too good-looking to spend my weekends with my parents running errands; watching my friends maintain their careers and at least 2 boyfriends but the good men who are good to me are mostly EU citizens and I can’t tell if the girl on my ex’s page is a “partner” or a cousin, though he seemed surprised and happy when I stopped into work to see him and a bit perturbed that I’d been in LA so long without really moving

When I tell him about my life, he gets scared. When I tell him what I want, he gets worried. When I say what I need, he’s so concerned for me but talking like this doesn’t help the situation. I’m wasting time reassuring him, wasting lingerie on this lingering

Now listen. I wouldn’t come to him for commitment. I might throw him a brick if he was drowning. I just want something to hold me down and kiss me until I cry and fall asleep but as soon as I explain that suddenly he’s just too wine-drunk and sleepy so I hum to myself while he’s passed out like a corpse half on top of me

When I extracted myself and went to the kitchen for a well-steeped cup of tea, I saw a framed poster hanging over the stove that said

Someone in Iowa City loves me!

It was hanging above the rack of knives as well! Though that thought would never cross my mind after the decade I’ve had with too many exes reconnecting to try to kill me. But my soul did leave my body for a moment while I choked down the tea. Let me say one thing for sure: nobody in Iowa City loves me. Those MFA bitches are toxic! I wouldn’t go near there with a cross and a truck of garlic

Anyway the whole experience was clarifying. It’s good to know some places aren’t worth returning. When I first stepped into his apartment; I thought it was the body keeping score. God knows I’ve cried enough in the bathroom because he wasn’t the man I’m looking for. But then I smelled the cat box and saw the stubble in the sink— of course I was a surprise. But Norm, how are you thirty-five letting the view of Los Feliz get covered up by flies

Called me a car in the morning, went home and told my mum that I’d been out dancing. Got home so late that I slept on the couch so I didn’t wake up everybody. Smoked about it then cried in the shower which by now you shouldn’t find that surprising. But if I stopped to think about it all at this point it wouldn’t be good for me so I’m sipping coffee that my favourite brother made while I slouch on the edge of the bathtub and my girl cousin says I should do this spell with a potato to rid myself of past evil love, and my mum just woke up and she’s excited to tell me about a dream she had! I’m happy to talk too, I’m finally starting to get my dreaming back. When it was bad in that one spring, I wouldn’t dream anything, I just needed to sleep except now and then I’d wake up from the sound of heavy wings flapping

All dark just the crush of featherings

Which is rare since dreams are usually just visuals without sound so it’s up to you to decide whether that was the Angel of Death or vultures or guardians

Sitting home and explaining jokes on the TV to my parents who love me and I’ve put them through too much so it’s nice we’re still here laughing about everything but I’m too big to carry to bed now so when I pass out they let me be. I wake up at 3 am with the lights on in my work clothes with fuzzy teeth but I’ve got to get up and make breakfast even though I’m tired and sore and a bit angry. I tell myself it’s practice for parenting though I’m nowhere close to having babies. Hell I’m not even dating

Every time I get my period, I think there goes another chance at making a family. I’d want three once I find someone who’s actually worthy: 2 girls and a boy in the middle like the Lemony Snicket kids. Well. I know a thing or two about a series of unfortunate events. I’m going to flip my lid if one more federal crime happens near me

Anyway I’ve got the names picked out. I’m not telling you. I’m not telling anyone. Talking in public feels like the spotlight comes attached to a shotgun

I’m doing better. I can see the future, not just the weather. I go to yoga and hug my family even when I don’t feel guilty. I laugh as often as I can so keep sending me those stupid fucking memes! I’m calm and stable, I just talk a little too quickly! If you can’t keep up that’s fine, it’s probably best for your own security

Every time I pass an accident, I wonder if that’ll be it: that I’ll go from this world to the next without ever feeling true love’s kiss. But when I talk to you, I know you might be the only ones who aren’t too worried for me