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Anastasiia writes to Eva.

[This is yet another chapter of ALPHABET in the VIYAKRA cycle. Here, intrepid journalist Anastasiia de Franckelle is forced to leave the office and delay her wedding (AGAIN) in order to settle a disagreement with former friend Eva Haynt, she/they gallerina, “community organizer” and West German. Künt!]

Hello, I’m sorry for the delay, I’ve had a complicated couple of weeks.

Thank you for your patience, I wanted to give you the time that our friendship deserved, and try to be my best self for this.

It was so revelatory to have you back in my life this year. You were so kind to visit me at home, and make sure I went to the Sicarino wedding. I will always appreciate that effort. I’m so happy that we got to reconnect and discuss our friendship like grownups. However, I do not feel that I can continue being friends with you, because I frankly do not feel safe around you.

At the most basic level, I am being very careful about who I spend time with because of my heart condition. The way that you casually speak to me has made me feel anxious since we were teenagers, and it’s not something that I have the physical capacity to brush off anymore.

I do not feel that you take my life seriously, or respect my problems and dreams. We are different people, and that’s fine. I feel that you have a tendency to criticize me or impose advice without hearing me out first. I also think that you have a habit of projecting your own complexities onto me. Historically, I have not felt that you actively listen to me when I speak.

I also know that you have lied to my face and to our friends about me for years. I spoke to Havana and Jima a few weeks ago, and that was illuminating. Honestly, people have reached out to me with concern about our friendship for years, but I have brushed it off because I loved you. I do not trust anything you say now, and I cannot explain how much that hurts.

I almost died last month, Eva. You live twenty minutes from me. My friends who live across the country, across the world, reached out to me with more concern than you. We grew up together.

On the drive to the hospital, I was fading out of consciousness in the backseat. Sasha was calling our friends and family. He told me days later, once my condition stabilized, that you refused to give him Ariel’s number. He is dyslexic, and he was panicking in the car. You did not make it easy for him. I was trying to say goodbye to our loved ones, and you tried to deny me that chance. I cannot fathom why.

Learning this, I have never felt more hurt. I was four years old the first time I was abused. You know all about my life. You have betrayed my love. I do not feel that I can trust you again. I do not want to be near you. I am going to ask that you stop contacting my friends and family to ask about me. I feel very sad about our friendship, but I am fine. I don’t understand why things went this way, but I don’t have the time to unpack it anymore. Your things will be sent back. You don’t need to reply to this, I know that you have a lot going on right now, and I also do not trust you to speak to me honestly anymore.

I am going to ask that you not talk about me or my life with random people anymore. I understand and respect the need to process your feelings, and I hope that you find the right people to talk to and hold you through that.

But giving the wrong people details about my life puts me in danger. I know that my life is very complicated from the outside, and I have tried to prevent the troubles and my own feelings from spilling over onto you. I am sorry for the times I haven’t been strong enough to hold it back.

I respect you as an artist and organizer. I hope that you continue to make music and grow.

I am really, really sorry that things went this way. I hope that you feel better. Please do not ever reach out to me. We spent half a life together, and I love the kids we were. I hope that you love them too.

Hello, I’m sorry for the delay, I’ve had a “complicated” couple of weeks.

Thank you for your “patience”. I wanted to give you the time that our “friendship” deserved, and try to be my best self for this.

It was so revelatory to have you back in my life this year. You were so kind to “visit” me at “home,” and make sure I went to the Sicarino wedding. I will always appreciate that “effort”. I’m so happy that we got to reconnect and discuss our friendship like “grownups”. However, I do not feel that I can continue being “friends” with you, because I frankly do not feel safe around you.

At the most basic level, I am being very careful about who I spend time with because of my heart condition. The way that you casually speak to me has made me feel anxious since we were teenagers, and it’s not something that I have the physical capacity to brush off anymore.

I do not feel that you take my life seriously, or respect my problems and dreams. We are different people, and that’s fine. I feel that you have a tendency to criticize me or impose “advice” without hearing me out first. I also think that you have a habit of projecting your own “complexities” onto me. Historically, I have not felt that you actively listen to me when I speak.

I also know that you have lied to my face and to our friends about me for years. I spoke to Havana and Jima a few weeks ago, and that was illuminating. Honestly, people have reached out to me with concern about our friendship for years, but I have brushed it off because I loved you. I do not trust anything you say now, and I cannot explain how much that hurts.

I almost died last month, Eva. You live twenty minutes from me. My friends who live across the country, across the world, reached out to me with more concern than you. We grew up together.

On the drive to the hospital, I was fading out of consciousness in the backseat. Sasha was calling our friends and family. He told me days later, once my condition had stabilized, that you refused to give him Ariel’s number. He is dyslexic, and he was panicking in the car. You did not make it easy for him. I was trying to say goodbye to our loved ones, and you tried to deny me that chance. I cannot fathom why.

Learning this, I have never felt more hurt. I was four years old the first time I was abused. You “know” all about my life. You have betrayed my love. I do not feel that I can trust you again. I do not want to be near you. I am going to ask that you stop contacting my friends and family to ask about me.

I feel very sad about our friendship, but I am fine. I don’t understand why things went this way, but I don’t have the time to “unpack” it anymore. Your things will be sent back. You don’t need to reply to this, I know that you “have a lot going on right now,” and I also do not trust you to speak to me honestly anymore.

I am going to ask that you not talk about me or my life with random people anymore. I “understand” and “respect” the need to “process” your “feelings,” and I hope that you find the right people to talk to and “hold” you through that.

But giving the wrong people details about my life puts me in danger. I know that my life is “very complicated” from the outside, and I have tried to prevent the “troubles” and my own “feelings” from “spilling over” onto you. I am sorry for the times I haven’t been strong enough to hold it back.

I “respect” you as an “artist” and “organizer.” I “hope” that you continue to “make music” and “grow”.

I am really, really sorry that things went this way. I hope that you feel better. Please do not ever reach out to me. We spent half a life together, and I love the kids we were. I hope that you love them too.